Scribblings

2-9-2020

Ink!

Now that you have turned deaf and blind

to my pain, I think I can start writing about us.

I refused to, till now, for fear of your anger and irritant moods.

What if I say something and lose that last inch of the spacious love we shared once upon a time?

But now that time has presented you wrapped in black and white, a figment from my past, that era I would call my best, the best of all that I ever breathed in,

I think I can let my heart hold the pen, and shade the broken vase of tulips.๐Ÿƒ

————————————๐Ÿž

Finally, you be! ‘

Break my โ€ฆ

Do you know when people start breaking glasses, pots, pens and chairs?
It is when they know that there is not even an inch of their heart, which
is left out from being broken.๐Ÿ’พ

If?

Suddenly if you call me,

after long days, weeks and years of absence, should I answer?

I would think twice, no even more, before putting myself at the risk of your voice.

That husky throat which was once light and love, has turned cold and dead for me. Should I harm myself once again, by igniting the soul to sharpen its ears to the ghostly deception?

Maybe, I will wait a day more, and still if you call, open just the pocket-window to let the air in, wafted with your lies.

I have kept a bag packed with all the words, one by one, which you left last time when you rushed out.

Let me see if I can squeeze that baggage out through the tiny hole. You may keep it in memory of a heart which you broke many times.๐Ÿฅ€

Natural
Do flowers bloom
for the rendezvous with a couple of bees,
before night enfolds 
the petals in countless dreams!
What do the leaves whisper to each other,
before those fall down,
zig zag into the brown mud?
Life is all that is murmured
in between the sighs escaping 
from a mumbling pair of lips
deep in conversation 
with the Spirit. 


The Knob ๐Ÿš๏ธ
By the time
I picked up a few words to frame sentences like,
' the moon will hug us tonight', or
'the crickets may disturb our dreams', or
' the frogs still croak the good old stories',
you had gone.
I forgot that I'd become the door the moment you walked in.
I forgot to lock myself up.
I forgot that the world outside my coarse, rough texture,
was beautiful,
and that the sky would always beckon you.
After all,
I was only a creaking, old wooden plank,
and you the strong breath in the divine nostrils.

period. 

Father comes and leaves regularly

like my period.

once in a month- the

pain, cramps, PMS

all clubbed together –

and the final relief when it is all done;

yet, I cannot miss my period.

I am only close to fifteen.

father works somewhere,

two days away by train,

and earns for his

‘other wife and other children’,

as my mother mutters under her breath

when his stench fills the bedroom for a couple of nights.

father is a word which is strangely familiar to me.

I remember him

when I am on my period.

period.

When love grows coldโ€ฆ
When love grows cold,
the world does not stop.

Those buses honk loudly,
cars over speed, and
trains chug on to their destiny.
The old woman who sells jasmine flowers at the market
smiles at you
toothlessly, as usual.
You walk the same roads-
the gutters hold the dark brown waters
from yesterday night’s rains.
You are greeted by the same trees,
the age-old ponds
and fields.
Nothing has changed.

When love grows cold,
nobody changes,
but only love .

Slowly,
it turns by itself into
wrinkles on your forehead,
even more grey hairs,
and sometimes transpose into stooping shoulders.
It manifests into forgetting to write letters,
and then to
half-closed eyelids staring at messages and missed calls.
It turns into bowed heads and frowns
plastered all across the lanes you walk back in the evening.

Cold love slips out as groans and sighs
as you climb the steps to your house,
after work.
It settles down in the plates left unwashed,
clothes strewn across a room
until someone else decides to wash it all.
Gradually it manifests in the pills
you take at night.

I have heard people say that
such left-overs of love
gradually kills.
I guess it is true.
I have seen such people miss the rains,
and afterwards the cobwebs painted in rainbow hues
by the peeping sun.
I have seen cold love turning blind to colours,
and I have seen such hearts leave life on bed,
every morning,
before trudging back to the loveless, lifeless routine.

*unto thee*

stepping barefoot into the fire

which never burns young, green saplings,

i carried the nest of four eggs.

i said,

these are the remnants of your tabernacle,

where the sparrows had found rest.

and you replied,

Amen.

Naming

thanks to samyuktha poetry for the youtube platform

2020

After the virus,
we resumed our conversations.

Done with the old life, you said.
New decisions,
resolutions,
and priorities
for a better tomorrow.

I looked into your eyes,
and wished those were a playful pair ,
like in the past.

You said,
It’s over.
The death toll and the sick in the hospital and at houses..
It is over.
The birds are chirping a new song,
ushering a new world.

You clapped your hands and jumped up laughing.
Strange that you resembled that six year old boy from an old album.
You opened the window and showed me fresh flowers and clear sky.
It was early in the morning.

Time for my morning walk, you said.
I jog everyday,
push ups too.
I am turning a new leaf.

Me too,
I murmured.

You looked at me.

I said,
I turned in the gyre and found myself lost.
I looked around for you.
You are a fighter, but I know that you cant wield your sword in the whirlpool.
By the time I found you, you had walked a long way ahead.
Not once did you turn back.

Well, I am also turning a new leaf and
unlike you,
I am a new leaf
with old memories.

Lineage

Kitsao: the story of a widowed mother of eight children

https://www.theweek.in/news/world/2020/05/02/kenya-mother-boiling-stones-hungry-kids-portrays-grim-reality-covid19.html

those pebbles
would have never turned
into our daily bread.

still,
you kept on stirring.

a mamma can never sleep,
without feeding her eight precious sets of limbs and bones,
with manna from above.

maybe the youngest one would have slept off after wailing awhile,

if not for the Good Samaritan
who ran out to alert the neighbours.

yesterday was Mothers’ day.

dear Kitsao,
i stood looking at my sleeping child,
and thought about your youngest one.

i looked at myself in the mirror and
i thought about you.

we may never meet,
we’ll never share the same time zones.

still both of us know that
all across the world,
infants sleep,
because many mothers boil their hearts,

every night.

Becoming๐ŸŒ

She learnt that for many, ‘becoming’ is in
a series of packings and un-packings.

She carefully folds her churidars, dupattas, saris, skirts, blouses and sandals,
arrange her books,
her toiletries,
the night before she leaves for her husband’s place.

Then she comes home for a few days.
The night before she leaves,
she stuffs her beloved teddy and rag doll,
her box of colours and paint brushes,
and many more books
all scented in laughter, squabbles, sorry-ing and joy of her school and college days.

A few years later,
she packs up the albums,

from those half-naked -pampered -baby photos
to graduation day pics,

asks her mother for her kindergarten snack-box,
the one her dear Amma spends a whole night looking for,
and finally finds, washes and dries,
and carefully tucks in her bag,
the morning she returns to her husband’s place.

After many years,
she comes home.

She brings back all the books, photos, albums, brushes , paint boxes, guitar
and her teddy and the rag doll.
Her ten year old daughter laughs out aloud downstairs
sharing a joke with her grandparents,
as she unpacks all the memories in the room,
which once upon a time had shared her dreams.

One by one,
she takes them out,
and leaves them on her table.

The albums, she slips inside the draw
the books inside the book-shelf.

She knows that this time,
after the annual vacation,
she will leave empty-handed.
Ten years
of mothering
has taught her that some memories are better left
where they are-
dusty,
and spacious enough
for spiders to build their homes,
and ants to climb over innocent dreams.

18 thoughts on “Scribblings

  1. “When love grows cold,
    nobody changes,
    but only love”

    Very true..
    The ones who nurtured those good old days turns cold and colourless..

    Luvd it my dear..

    Like

      1. Nithya, liked all your poems. Stunning use of imagery. I liked ‘If’ and ‘period’ the most.

        Like

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